I'm sure most everyone feels like this the majority of the time but I feel like this is a new feeling for me: Overwhelmed and feeling like life is passing me by without giving me a chance to stop and enjoy it.
This summer has been cray. Crayyyyyzy. So cray. (John hates that word and I love overusing it). We have traveled every single weekend the end of June, entire month of July and into August so far. I was telling a friend at lunch yesterday that I feel like I have been living my life week to week with no ability to look at what comes after the upcoming weekend. That means our house is a wreck, my desk at work is a mess, Ann is lucky to get an hour of my undivided attention at a time and John is looking in the fridge for milk and all he can find is an expired carton of buttermilk.
I imagined this summer to be an exciting time of weekend trips to the river house so Ann could put her tiny toes in the Kings River and squeal with delight at the fish John and I caught, casual dinners on our deck, lazy Saturday mornings at farmer's market, evening walks with Ann and the puppies before Ann goes down for bed, having our house on the market and closing on a new home, having beautiful flower pots and our yard in great shape and a number of other small projects I wanted to get done. Well let me be honest and say that NONE of that has happened. A huge reason is the weather; we are having literally the hottest July on record for the entire United States which means those pool days and lake days didn't happen because I can't bear to have Ann out in this heat nor do I want to be out in it; and my flower pots and yard? Looks like middle of January with the dead plants and brown grass. Evening walks? Maybe at 9:00 pm when the temperature is in the low 90's instead of upwards of 100. Listing our house? I can't get it clean enough for strangers to come into nor have we found a house worth buying and moving into. River house for the weekend? There is hardly any water in the river and definitely no fish because of the draught and heat... and the reasons continue.
Last summer was the same way; I feel like I was a zombie through the last half of my pregnancy because of our busy schedules and the heat. This summer I vowed to be different and here we are in August and I have the same feeling.
Don't get me wrong; we have had some fun weekends including Colorado, a wedding, time in Russellville, a class reunion... but it was survival mode Monday-Friday until the weekend hit.
I'm tired and ready to be normal. This is not going to be our "new normal" if I can help it in any way and I realized that I CAN help it. I am making a conscious decision to be on my schedule and not other people's. I do not have to say yes to every invitation. I do not have to feel obligated to anyone but my daughter and husband... and myself. This is our one life and I'm going to enjoy it how I want to. I am tired of going through the motions.
This brings me to another item I've been working on: enjoying the moment and not constantly filling it with my phone... is anyone else feeling the constant need to fill any down moment with a check of the email, facebook, pinterest, a silly game or a text message? I do... I feel like it became much worse when Ann was born and I was nursing every two hours therefore I was sitting in a chair for 30 minutes at a time. I am making a conscious effort to leave my phone on the counter, or on the charger and not carry it to every room. When Ann is playing in the floor I'm not on it, I'm down there with her. When we are in the car I'm trying to avoid filling every second with my phone and instead looking around and enjoying where we are or conversation with John or Ann's chatter from the backseat. Obviously I struggle and it's hard to not do it sometimes but I do not have to do it alllll the time. This will hopefully help with my stress level. If you never have a moment to yourself how can you gather yourself together? I need to just breathe, live in the moment and take a moment to organize my thoughts or not think about anything at all.
I feel motivated now and excited. I always get like this when Fall is within reach... Fall is my season to shine. I sometimes think Spring is my favorite but when Fall is close I know that I long for Fall the rest of the year without realizing it. I'm motivated to enjoy every second with Ann because she is quickly changing and I do not want to miss anymore of this baby stage than I have. I want to enjoy our home rather than discarding it as used and already on the market for someone else. I want to enjoy our wonderful deck, our neighborhood, our city, our fur babies in the backyard and of course my husband.
Recently, and this may sound so crazy or stupid, but only recently did I sit back and think: I am happy, I'm HAPPY, I AM SO HAPPY!!! I never took the time before to really look at what I have and realize that is absolutely everything I ever wanted. I shouldn't ask for anymore... it's all here and I am stupid to not enjoy it. I really need nothing more than I have and I think that is the case for a lot of us without realizing it. We are always looking towards the next weekend, the next job opportunity, the next house, the next exciting event or the next month and not looking at where we are right now.
Now, not many people can live exclusively in the moment. There is always an element of planning and anticipating which is a natural part of life. Organizing and planning are important to living and thriving so of course I will continue to participate in those activities but I vow to not obsess over it. John has always and will always be a master of this lifestyle and from the day we started dating he has preached the above to me... I am only now devoting myself to it. I have practiced it on occasion with the outcome he has promised me but not until recently did I realize how right he is and that this is probably a large part of why John is so content with himself, his life and is so happy. He is enjoying his circumstances without comparing himself to others, wishing for more or constantly looking for what is next.
To wrap this lengthy personal note to myself up, I realize that since I've started leaving things up to God and knowing that he is in charge and will take care of me and my plan is ultimately his plan I have felt a level of contentment and happiness I never knew before. I hope that Ann realizes this much earlier than me and I think that John and I living in that way will ingrain it into her where she will know nothing different than to live in that way.
I'll say, one good thing to come from this crazy summer (or past year for that matter) is that I have learned a lot about myself and the way I want to live and I am looking forward but I'm also loving where I am at and hope that all of you can do the same!
Here's to being content.
No comments:
Post a Comment